so i was getting online to hit up my space and whatnot and was reminded that i need to write a paper on religion in america for this new magazine called DV8.. then i checked my inbox and received
( this )to which i responded with this:
its not you, dude.
i just had to disconnect myself with all the bullshit going on
between me and the 850, yknow. and plus, i hear that everyone still talks shit on me when really, i dont even expect or care for my name to be coming out of anybodys mouth anymore. i thought me and lots of those kids were friends, too. but friends dont fuck you over like that.. so im sorry but i didnt realize that when i had to bounce to cali, i would also have to delete some fuckers from my online life as well [lol]. lurks and shit. jesus. but 'friends' are kids that fucking come and go now. and im not all about that anymore. ive got hella 'friends' but where the fuck is my fam? you know? the people that can prove themselves to me that they value my friendship by being down and not talking shit or making dick moves behind my back because you think you are better than me or can get away with it. fuck that.
just so you know, you are the only person who has responded to my blocking of shit on myspace.
xo
which inspired me to write out what should have been properly addressed some time ago now..
friends, family, lurks,
for those of you who have no idea what those messages are pertaining to, allow me to finally clear the air for everyone, including myself, because i don't even really know all the details. but i do know my perception of what went down in reality, and even some of the drama in the myspace world.
so last i updated, i was in athens, with eddy, living it up, doing drugs, partypartyparty [omgparty.com], dancedancedance, awesome job [bang-on.com], good relationships, etc. then shit went down with work, and then friendships, and then my relationship.. or somewhere around that order.. and it happened pretty abruptly, as bad shit often does. my store was going under, my co-worker and self proclaimed bff at the time [she who will not be named] had lost her mind moreso than i had, and therefore, we ended up losing all respect for each other practically overnight, fuck the details, save that for my book, and eddy and i were somehow stuck in what seemed to be an emotional atonal spiral. whew. lotsss of crazy and fucked up shit went down in the lil' a. but somehow i made it out alive.
thats i guess where spencer denton and his family come in. well, moreso his family. lets just skip to that part. they allowed me to stay with and work for them in lake oconee, an hour from athens. which was nice. but it became boring and repetitive and by month what? two? three? i was losing my mind again and i just had to fucking leave. so i ended up back in florida. this time in pensacola, since my mom had moved after id settled in athens. life was pretty fuckin chill in pcola for the first month or so, i admit. i loved it. i was back in the place i used to chill at with meg and kids growing up. seeing shows at sluggos and hanging out endlessly at end of the line. good times. but people move away and places change. they often are not the same when and if you ever go back. it is scary and beautiful. and thats something i definitely learned during my three month stay there. i was happy to be with my family again, no doubt. but after a while things began to change with them and they started to get annoying, as families often do. i tried to find a job for months but pensacola is a dead fucking end unless you are a student.. and even then.. its cutting it close as fuck. "this town aint big enough for the X of us" - pensacola, florida. and thats a direct quote.
after pensacola shrank in size, within the first month, i started to wander from my 'home'. i found out that my old and good friend from my hometown was living there now and not only that but he was in the same band as my friend jason from tallahassee who id met a few years back while chillin at all saints in ttown one night. fuck i miss that place. anyway.. so around my birthday, november thirtieth of 08, the boys started asking me over to their apt to kick it and inevitably, smoke. which we did, a lot. in december, the boys went on tour, as bands typically do; they were gone for pretty much all of december and were scheduled back in pcola before xmas. the drummer of the band had a girlfriend and her name will also not be mentioned. lets just call her sally chug, for porns sake. sally was stoked on me and immediately asked me to stay while the boys were on tour. i didnt realize then that this was just another athens setup. i did make it a point to say to her, "i really like you guys, i dont want this to get fucked up. i will not repeat athens." and she seemed like she understood. but that was my downfall. i put my trust in a psychotic seventeen year old little girl. how do i get myself into this bullshit? i blame it on the apathy. moving on.. sally, my new self proclaimed bff number two, assisted in my demise in pcola. we created "highnakah" while the boys were away, and smoked weed everyday for 25 days, while documenting our experiences and rating of weed in a "weed journal" we had kept, including polaroids. it was new and fun while it lasted. the boys came back before the 20th and things were back to 'normal' again. they were back from tour for two weeks and a lot of shit went down within that short span of time. i.e. having loud, drunken sex in the shower at six a.m. with my old friend, who, little did i know, had become a self-righteous douchebag. after we fucked, he felt as if he had some kind of ownership over me. he'd say random lame shit like, "don't act like you're not my girlfriend" or "do you like so and so as a boyfriend??" i mean, yeah, we were all fucking baked all the time, but thats no reason to be a tool, you know? after weeks of pressure from sally to actually pursue a relationship with this douchebag, i decided to ask my new-found "fuck buddy" if he would like to go out on an actual date sometime the night before the boys left for their first tour since december, which would last what was supposed to be from like january 13th to like february. but the tour was cut short due to the fact that none of them planned the tour well at all, like a bunch of fucking pothead musicians who have nothing to fall back on except for their mommas. and as sweet as that has the potential to be, its really not cute. the saddest part i think is that they live in this.. myspace world? for lack of better reasoning. after a month i began to feel sorry for them and myself.. because all we ended up doing was smoking dirt weed all day, every day. and i mean like, straight up schwag. so i brought over my record player and vinyl collection. i started to play decent music in the apartment [ella, loius, tom waits, the skuds, sophie nun squad, the fuck buttons, the deadly snakes, etc]. the only decent reaction from all of this was when drummer and sally chug went on a short lived vacation to disney world for xmas while fuckbuddy and i got high, listened to records and painted it up on my favorite art piece from high school. it felt nice, actually. but that was also short lived. and the rest is history. but back to FAILTOUR2: the boys come back from "tour wars" early and seem to be in a weird mood. but i ignore it. i was asleep on the couch when they came in and briefly remember waking up to meet their camera guy, jordan, who had just filmed their music video and produced a tshirt design for them thru his clothing company, mumz the werd. my rat and srs bff for life, ami, was in her mansion cage near me. and apparently they were pissed and had a "meeting" about it in their van. they needed to take their 'man cards back in the apt'. this was all occurring while id been reading 'the sexual politics of meat/a feminist-vegetarian critical theory' and sharing my favorite chapters with the class. but whatevs. they are all sexist assholes. next chapter:
the next day, say same night, 2am, i find out about all the bullshit thats been going down in the apt since before i even arrived on the scene, thru a good friend i made while staying at the apt, who also lived there, friend of another band member. she was awesome and legit the whole time i knew her and hopefully is still as an amazing person as when i said goodbye over a month ago. she is good people. as well as her boy thing. but moving along.. we have so much to cover here and im tired..
i come back to the apartment around six am, crash, wake up to find that the drummer and my good friend/fuckbuddy is pissed and not speaking to me. and this sally bitch wont even look at me. i thought nothing of it rly and grabbed my board and went outside to skate. shortly following was jordan from cali who also had his board. we were skating and talking it up for a good while til i couldnt skate in flats anymore and went inside to grab my skate shoes from sallys closet [my shoes and clothes were in her closet because we wore eachothers clothes and basically set me up in there like i fucking moved in/my shit was her shit etc] so i go into sally and drummers room, they are packing a bowl and smoking, i grab my shoes, shut the door, sit on the couch, put on my shoes and hear: "dont fucking slam my door like that you motherfucking cunt" ... i stood up, quickly open the door, and ask, "excuse me?" and it was fucking on from there. i dont even remember most of the shit that came of out my mouth, but it was fast and furious. bitches wouldnt even look at me. i looked at whatshisname and shook my head. shit was just fucked. it was done before they even got back and i knew it. energy was all off and they thought they were hot shit. but no one talks to me that way, esp if i am undeserving of it. so fuck that.
anyway, i went outside to skate and thats the last i ever spoke to them. thanks to jordan, who hung out with me all day and listened to me bitch and cry. and after he got the shilohrose 411, asked me to leave the sunshine state for the golden state. i said yes. and we packed up my illegal ass car and drove it 3k across the country.
now im here. south san fran. so far so good. i got a job within the first week of being here and already got a promotion/raise today. im working in this organic bakery down the street from my new bright yellow apartment. no drama, always good weed, and nice and funny people. everything is different on the west coast. i dont plan for this to end as athens and pcola ended. but one never fucking knows.
what i do know is who i am who the fuck my friends are. do not be so quick to assume that everyone is real and looking out for you just because you chill with them or they call themselves your best friend. im not saying always question the intentions of others because you cannot live that way and stay sane, trust me. but if you think that you are not fully aware of who you can trust, im sure you will find out soon enough. o& it will probably hurt. heads up.
in summary, i love my life [heart] and everyone < IN 3 it. this includes my fam, stacie and stephy, my whiskey girls, jordy f, eddy loco lezama, feeble meg, the few kids i still have respect for reppin the 850, mattlantafosho, travis the 24hrtrucker, JAAT krew holdin it down in Mtown, legit ass bands ive kicked it with, and all the hella sick kids ive met along my travels. thank you for not sucking.
i think ill end this here.
xo
p.s. please feel free to post comments and ask questions. esp if you feel like anything might be missing from the facts on this story. i am slightly high so stream of consciousness style writing may have been a bad idea.
ami and i <3 bffl![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=92.1){kind=small}
lazy
existential
accomplished
nervous
hot
